Convoy of Hope.

Yesterday, a number of us went into Philly to volunteer with Convoy of Hope/Hope4Philly. I've personally worked with Convoy of Hope twice before and love it. I worked with kids in...somewhere in Jersey. I can't remember where. I also lead pony rides in Camden, New Jersey. Each time was a totally different experience but, generally lead to the same outcome: I didn't gain anything...learn anything. In my defense though, I was still a baby Christian and my main goal was to go with my friends and have fun. I understood Christ was the underlying theme throughout the day but, it didn't mean anything to me. I got to play with ponies - I was happy.

Yesterday was different, though. Actually, I didn't want to go at first.

I haven't been sleeping well...so waking up at six was definitely not a happy thing for me. I seriously considered calling in sick and sleeping for the rest of the day. For the next half hour, I argued with myself about why I should go. Basically it came down to the fact that I was obligated to go and I didn't have a choice - not a great mindset. I was tired. I had no coffee. And I up before sunrise doing something I didn't have the desire to do. Happy? Nah.

We got into Philly, though, and things started to change. I began to look around and saw the people wandering the streets and immediately God started breaking my heart for them. When we all finally convened at the church, it was hard not to mirror the excitement that everyone else was displaying. I hadn't previously signed up to work in any specific area. [Actually, I hadn't attended any of the chapels that Missions Committee recommended.] My prayer was simple: "God, I don't care what I do today. Please place me wherever You need me to be." The different areas were being addressed, but I found myself being drawn to grocery distribution. When that was called, I jumped up and joined the ranks.

A small group of us out of Groceries volunteered to go hand out fliers for the event. I don't normally have a problem talking to strangers, but its usually in a group setting talking about something that we all have in common. Its different when you have to approach people, many of them breaking your comfort level, to talk to them about, what many consider to be, a taboo topic. I had to get over myself, though. I knew that what we [the entire Convoy of Hope team] were doing had the potential to be life changing - we had to tell people about it. So...we did. After splitting the group up [so we didn't look so intimidating] we seriously took a two-mile hike around the city. At first, I was a bit hesitant to talk to people...mainly because I was near the back of our group and the couple up front grabbed almost everyone that walked near us. After I spoke with one guy, though, not only did it get incredibly easier but I wanted to talk with them. With every person that I saw, the burden that I felt got heavier and heavier. I was truly excited and humbled to speak with everyone that I dd. A couple things wrecked my heart, though, that I didn't realize until we were walking back to the church: we went into a good handful of shops. When we went in, though...all of us did. None of us went back outside to talk to those who were passing by. We had the opportunity to invite them to be a part of something much bigger than they imagined it to be - and we let it slip through our fingers. I don't think that I can adequately express how upset I was [am] with myself for letting that happen. The other instance happened with a friend, not that I hold her at fault. I don't. We had crossed the street after talking with a group of people and were waiting for our other group to catch up. She pointed out a man and said [something to the effect of], "Wait. I think he wanted to talk to us. He kept looking at us while we were talking to the other people." He looked over to our group and kept walking. She looked at me and said, "I want to run after him. I feel like I should." I told her to do it. She stayed. I really regret not offering to run with her. That could have made the difference. I can't but think that we could have helped him. We prayed that he'd find his was down to the outreach...but we could have done more.

We got back to the site and got our station put together. Since we were the last stop on the way out, we weren't tremendously busy yet. Some groceries were handed out but, there wasn't a lot going on. I honestly feel that we had more volunteers than what we needed. A lot of us were just sitting around doing nothing. I was getting a headache and starting feeling a bit useless, like I was wasting my time being there. When it came time to take a "break", I wandered around the site to check out what else was going on. Any feelings of uselessness were eradicated almost immediately. God was really using us, not only to help meet the spiritual needs of the community but also the physical needs: blood pressure screenings, HIV tests, live entertainment, food, fun stuff for kids, help center information, family portraits. It was overwhelming. No shame - I had to wipe away a few tears. I made my way back to the grocery tent with a newfound attitude. It had picked up a little bit, but not by much. There were already some volunteers handing out bags, so I decided to hang out. This one guy, Albert, passed by with his lady friend, Iris. I looked him in the eyes, told him that I was happy that he came out, and wished him and Iris a great day. He stopped, looked back at me, and shook my hand. We started talking. He asked me how I started going to church and why I believe what I believe. We had a great conversation. He told me that he was once an altar boy and a devout Catholic, but had fallen away from the faith. Albert was very curious about "the Christian church". He was very afraid to attend services, though. He had been taught that if he turned form the Catholic faith to a different one, he'd be damned. We talked, a bit more intelligently, about our faith - the similarities, the differences, doctrine, why things happen. The end result? Both Albert and Iris promised to check out "the Christian church" before forming any solid opinions.

As if all that weren't enough - God totally solidified my call to New Orleans. I know that there are 1,300 miles between the two cities...but I couldn't get it off of my mind or out of my heart [not like I wanted to]. The hike through Philly, reaching out to people, seeing God work...it totally opened my eyes. It was almost as if God smacked me and reminded me why I'm doing this - why I'm going to school, why I'm working so hard, why I can't give up fighting. Its more than being behind a pulpit once or twice a week. Its about meeting people where they are. Its about showing them authentic faith, hope, and love. Without even being to New Orleans once, I've fallen in love with the people there already. They have my heart. They break my heart. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Insert obscure song lyric here.

"What's on your mind?"

Every time I log onto Facebook, this is the first thing that I see. That little box allows some people to vent their frustrations and/or express their desires. It also allows them to share every mundane detail about their life. It really gets annoying at times - Really? You're going to school then coming home? Awesome. - Awe. You're parents grounded you? Grow up. Annoying as some of them may be, I still read them. If I didn't want to, I'd hide them on my newsfeed.

However, its been my experience that some people just don't care. So what's my answer to this? I post somewhat-subtle-obscure-song-lyrics. I know that this annoys some of my friends [they've flat out told me]. But - if you read between the lines [or even just take them at face value] - they really do speak volumes about me; more than any other words that I could construe together.

As cliché as it is - music speaks when I don't.

Yeah...that's about it.

Hopetimism.

As a friend and I were leaving Dunkin' Doughnuts, I made the comment: "I'm an optimistic pessimist." This sparked a conversation [and multiple ones to follow] about the idea of hope. What is it? Where can we find it? How do we acquire it? To get a grasp on the concept of "hopetimism", you have to understand its core of hope. ...something that I've been striving for.

In its verb form, the Merriam - Webster dictionary defines it as "to desire with expectation of obtainment". As a noun, the meaning metamorphose, using the word itself within the definition; "someone or something on which hopes are centered", "something hoped for". As a Christian, my hope is [should be] found in Christ. However, I've been having trouble with that. I recognize that I am, in fact, a human and that means, all too often, I'm blinded by the circumstances in my life. Voluntarily blinded, at times. I find that its easier to live in the squaller of depression that I know than to hold tight to the hope of Christ and have Him lead me into the unknown.

But I digress.

For the sake of argument, my hope is found in Christ. I know that apart from Him, I'd be nothing - a worthless creature, taking up space on this earth, destined for an eternity in hell. However, because of a virgin's miraculous birth, the sinless life and death of the Son, and the resurrection of the LORD, Jesus Christ - I have found hope. The hope of salvation. The hope of a better life. The hope that there is something beyond what I see.

I have hope in His victory. "Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." [Romans 5:1-5]

I have hope in His sufficiency. "Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings that cannot be uttered." [Romans 8:26]

I have hope in His righteousness. "...that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power which He worked in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places, far above all principality and power and might and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in that which is to come." [Ephesians 1:17-21]

I have hope for eternity. "For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body...." [Phillippians 3:20-21]

I have hope that, one day, this will all be worth it. "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the future glory that will be revealed in us." [Romans 8:18]

Because I find my faith in Jesus, my views of hope are probably different than that of another typical twenty-somthing. Some of my non-Christian [/religious] friends find there hope in their academics and their futures. They have hope that what they're doing now, in school and in the workforce, will set them up for a decent life. They'll have a place to call their own, a steady income, and someone to share it with. Some of my friends place their hope in their significant other. They hope that their other half will be the one to make their life different. The ladies wait and swoon over their knight in shining armor. The men long to be the one to save the damsel in distress. "Maybe the next relationship will be the one..." Others simply have no hope at all. Ignorant of their own destiny, they wander this place looking for temporal things to satisfy them...but nothing helps.

This is where the idea of hopetimism comes into play. Just as optimism is believing that the world is beautiful and pessimism is believing that reality is essentially evil - hopetimism is the hope that there is hope; that hope is worth fighting for. A hopetimist is generally identified as someone whose life circumstances would beg them to give up. However, despite the possibility of their surrender, they continue to fight. They've seen others give up the fight and give up on hope itself. And because of that, they keep fighting for hope and encourage others to do the same. I'll admit - its a bit of an abstract concept, but so is hope.

I've been on the both sides of the hope spectrum. At times I feel like nothing can stand in my way. Other times I feel like I've hit rock bottom and someone's thrown me a shovel. But to live a life without hope...or even a hope for hope, just flat out sucks. Without a reason life is cold, dark, empty. Without hope, life isn't worth living. But - I have hope. I may not always recognize it or see it shining, but its there.

Hi. I'm Laura and I'm a hopetimist.